on with the diaries aboot a guy who never really wanted to join the army!......a was fuckin set up...from when ma ass passed that barrier at the training depot, ma days were numbered...noo did a mention a had the worlds worst stammer a couldnt even pronounce ma name without passing outa felt like the world hated me . ,and these bastards who let me in as well.........laffin ma ass off now at you...you made ma career a misery,oh! and thanks for given me the worst ever army number24529***,aye maybe allrite fur a normal guy! but noo fur a guy who pronounces it like this>tttttwwwooooffffffoooouuuurrrrffffffiiiiiivvv ah fuck it!....thats how bad the stutter was a always got fucked up on ma( As Bs Cs DsEs and nearly every other letter in the alphabet................and thinking back now? no fuckin wonder the army careers office in glasgow said i was what the army was lookin fur!! a sounded like a fuckin machine gun,and boy was a thick!! , a managed too scrape through the test after 3 attempts....thanks for the janet and john books mum...maybe the worst time were getting on parade in the morning,and having to shout your name rank,and number out ..."gulp"...... and as per usual a would freak out like a mad man.....you ever seen..norman wisdom??.well thats was me.......reportin fur duty sir!!what a comedian a turned out to be!...a blame ma past for my hillarious stutter i had at that time,and no fuckin wonder!dad was an alki,mum fetched six of us up,a had a twin sister a swear was the "bride" of chucky,a older brother,,two older sisters,oh and a wee brother called stephen,now serving with her majesty(in prison) " stephen!! and i thot i was the black sheep"tut tut! bruv!!.your bringing the family down(ha!!)......i also look back at sum funny and hillarous,stories,.......

training in the army was hard enough,and ten fuckin weeks i was at it,up at crack off dawn,treated like shit,and forced tae stutter fir 10 minutes askin fur breakfast,dressed up wae a uniform 4 sizes to fuckin big for you,and forces to shave every day!! what the fuck was shavin!! only seen ma dad do that wan only thing a like was the idea of three meals a day free clothes and women!fek no wonder a never got wan in ma training, a couldnt speak tae them without goin blue in the face......so!!!cant be as bad as the day we were getting our first ever wage.now that was better!money,money,moneywe were all lined up in the corridor ,leading to the big commanding officers room he would open the door, and when your name was called,you would march in! stop exactly one foot from the front off his table,slam down your leg and scream like a banshee! sir!! i am, 24529*** pvt (name) may i have my pay sir(what a load a bollox that was),i begged for no man....watson!! "quick march!! as i frog marched into his office,a lifted up my leg to slam it down and oh my fuckin god!! a only lifted the front of his table aboot 3ft off the ground sending his very cute bundles off notes and coins all over the joint"ever see a man run fast!!my legs never seen the floor as i was dragged out by the scruff off my 4 sizes to big for me shirt,watson!! your days are fuckin numbered he screamed!!...and this guy haunted me for the whole ten weeks,always put me on guard,or kit displays cause ma trousers had tram lines like euston train station,the guy even tried to gass me to death in a cs gas tent!! lol! ripped my respirator right off my face and puched me in the gut!! phewwwwww,breathed in and hit the deck like a bag a shit,eyes as pink as an albino rabbit,and finally getting duped into signing up for 6 bastard years,4 of what were spent either a.w.o.l. or in jail..yup! papilon&steve mcqueen never had a look in.a was the one and only "cooler king"...................check back soon

more scottish humour

scottish humour two my favourite things click here

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scottish humour one click here

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pacino the funny fuck video here

joining the army!

aldos diaries re-incarnated(army life 1)
.............after havin a shite up bringin i decided the army was for me,my mum sent me into hamilton to the army careers office one dae,a was soo fekin thick @ the time a even failed the entry exams,a could only count upto ten! as thats how many fingers a had(lol), enefin past that ,then a wiz fooked..........so a was sent packing.......,till my mum sat me down every nite afore she went ttoo work,and got me a wee scrap book full a sums,a then went back too hamilton one day and passed... -----> wot a FKIN BAD MISTAKE THAT WIZ.... whilst waitin for the army too decide where a was goin,a popped into the navy office in glasgow one day for a laff,and ended up signing up for the gay boys..............a was sat at home one day in coltness minding ma own buissness and a landrover pulled up ootside ma house !it was only the f*kin military police tae say a was a.w.o.l .........ffs a was due tae be in portsmouth 3 weeks afore!! tut tut"..after half a hour arguin the toss,a showed them ma army enlistment letter,aye a was goin tae aldershot,and thats when ma crazy life really took off...........if u want funny ! then read these next instalments............................................ a arrived at glasgow train station on a sunday to go tae the big city(london).well aldershot! where ever that was..,the last thing a remember was my mum waving me off,sayin tae her self.....thank fek a ended up getting totally drunk after meetin 5 guys whom were also goin tae the same training camp...,we piled onto a train headin fur no mans land.........what a was about tae let masell in for a will never know!!,but,hey!! am still here tae tell ma stories............after staggerin off a train in london we boarded another headin for aldershot!.........a soon sobered up when we arrived,and heard the screamin off a little hitler whom had a lorry outside the station too greet us......right ladies he screamed!! those whom are fur buller barracks stand in a straight line!! he called out oor names,then said "those wae a dad wan step forward!! !!! watson!! where the fek u goin get back!!! ma life was just aboot tae change,and pronto,we arrived at this camp,a swear it was colditz...................wanna read more!!!

hillarious

halloween diary

halloween diary!!aye!!

remember them days eh!!,when your mum used to dress us all up as fukin pirates)for a change ),racing each other round the doors to see who could get the most tangerines,a remember the time myself,aileen& and stephen were sent out,and ended up bangin mr mackeys door over the road(big mad mentle bobby we called him(what a nut job he was a ..bible basher,there was us shoving each other towards his door!! go on!! go on!! chap i,ta swear to this day he had a seat behind the dor coz as soon as a chapped it,he was there ,ahhhhh!! the watsons eh!!......tttttttrrriicccccckk orrr tttrrreeatttt a stuttered out(did a mention a had the worst fekin stammer in scotland,right in you come he said as we flew in his living room!!,& wit you gonna do for me,alan!! gulp!!,em um!! a joke a said..........fekin bad move alan,it was aboot jesus on a rubber cross,then he had us dookin fir apples,and the big eegit kept stickin my head under,he only took his foot off ma head tae let me breath .,then suddenly out the blue,he screams!! "right the lot of you sit on that couch,and he reaches behind the settee and brings out this big guitar wae jesus badges plastered all over it!!....................right yir not gettin out till you all sing "yes!"jesus loves me"///////////ffs a screamed is he for real?l am outta here,we goes too the door and the big maddo had bolted it.ended up the three of us in tears blastin out yes jesus loves me!!,he finally let us out,we sprinted over the road told ma dad, who went over and knocked his lamps oot